Mummy, what's a Christmas?

Way back, in the olden days of, ooh, 2009 or so there was this thing called Christmas. Perhaps you've heard of it? Apparently we used to have it every year. Being an ancient, withered, old biddy I do actually have some vague memory of the thing. If memory serves, I believe Christmas was where your entire family was legally obliged to sit around your mum's television in order to hold some sort of drunken eating competition which was judged by the queen. The winner was then made to wear an unpleasant jumper knitted, or at the very least picked out, by an elderly relative with deep-seated, passive-aggression issues. Boxing day would, of course, be spent engaged in the traditional, spiritually uplifting, practice of shopping for half price sofas.

Unfortunately, you won't have any clue what I'm on about because this morally sanctified celebration of family bickering and cheap sweat-shop produced gifts, this clearly very pious religious festival has been slowly eroded over the last few years and is now, finally, about to become illegal because something something immigrants and something dum-di-dum bloody atheists and their bloody something and brigade of politically correct warriors using unmanned drones to bomb Christmas which has also caused Easter to catch on fire and Oh well done, you've gone and made baby Jesus cry. Nope. Instead we're all going to be made to spend 'Winterval Secular Inclusion Day' as christmas will probably be renamed, doing things that in no way include said baby Jesus. Things like watching the Eastenders and ignoring the walnuts your mum inexplicably persists in buying every year.

But don't worry and that. Do you know who's going to rescue Christmas from the evil christmas-strangling clutches of the muslims and DFS? Only the bloody pope! We'll be back to putting up our biblically mandated fir trees and decorating them with the holiest of christian symbols, the chocolate santa, without fear of death at the hands of the heavily armed militant atheist militia of militants in no time. No secular death squads will be able to stop us decking our halls with divinely inspired holly and tonguing one another in stock cupboards under wilting mistletoe at office parties so long as Pope Man and his Daily Mail wielding army are on the case. Because let's face it, christmas with the religious bits removed would look absolutely nothing...at all...like... Ah.

As you were.