Julie
- as not even vaguely requested by you, here is another fucking terrible
screenplay, this time about that time you tried to buy some tahini in a
supermarket even though I wasn't there & you have told me next to nothing
about the occasion because why would you & there's some time-travel & shit & maybe a
robot. I don't know. I haven't written the thing yet.
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FADE IN: INT
SUPERMARKET -er DAY probably.
A glass
fronted cube of despair with one of those ceilings where you can see all like
wires & air conditioning vents & all that even though I don't know why
they wouldn't just Artex that shit over but what am I a builder?
SWOOPING SHOT ALONG CRISP AISLE
All the
crisps are Doritos. The red ones. This is not important.
The camera follows A WOMAN
(that's you Julie, played by Ashley Judd/Wynona Judd/Judd Hirsch or someone
else) sashaying -SASHAYING- down the crisp aisle.
ZOOM IN As A WOMAN approaches HANDSOME
a young
supermarket employee (played by Ashley Judd/Judd Hirsch/Judge Judy or
someone
else) who is under 30 & is therefore probably playing
music on a mobile phone because apparently they don't make earphones
any more.
A WOMAN (brightly, to HANDSOME) - Excuse me?
HANDSOME - Ok.
A WOMAN (a little confused, as though someone has just said something that has confused her.A little)
- Right. Yeah. Um. Could you tell me if you sell Tahini paste?
HANDSOME (Insouciantly. Possibly. Note to script editor. Look up what 'insouciantly' means)
- Teeheehee? Face?
A middle aged woman with
a shopping trolley blinks into existence briefly. She is wearing a tunic with a
needlessly COMPLICATED NECKLINE (which is, entirely
coincidentally, also her name) & silver lipstick so we KNOW she is
from
the future. Also like, maybe her hat is made from water or something
because, like, in the future they will almost definitely be able to make
hats out of water.
COMPLICATED NECKLINE is holding onto the handle of a shopping trolley. It is a hover
shopping trolley, so we KNOW it is from the future. COMPLICATED NECKLINE who is definitely from the future yells something about preventing Future
Hitler from being born.
COMPLICATED
NECKLINE (shouting. And maybe, I don't know, she's French. It would amuse me)
- I am here to stop Future Hitler from being born.
COMPLICATED NECKLINE runs at A WOMAN with the shopping trolley & but as she bashes into the
back of her ankles we PULL BACK to reveal that COMPLICATED NECKLINE & her HOVER TROLLEY (which is alive. Did I mention that? This is not important) are only 3 inches
high.
COMPLICATED NECKLINE swings the trolley around for another go but as
suddenly as she arrived she blinks back out of existence & is replaced for
a few seconds by what looks like a Nazi astronaut from the year 2450 as
imagined by the 1970s who then also disappears. This is not important.
A WOMAN (with mild annoyance. As though she has just been rammed in the ankles by a tiny trolley. I'm no good at similes)
- Ouch,
Don't do that...oh she's gone. Anyway about my tahini.
HANDSOME (smirking like a right dick)
-
Your Teeheehee?
A WOMAN - Pardon?
HANDSOME -
(sniggering)..... Your. Teeheehee. Sounds a bit like vagi...
A WOMAN (looking around)-
Yeah...erm ...is there someone else I can talk to?
HANDSOME -
There are potato smiles in the freezer? Is that it?
A WOMAN (becoming a bit testes no not that testy)- No.
Tahini. Ta. Hee. Nee. Paste.
HANDSOME (mouth slack, eyes glazed, one of his pupils rolls around inside his iris -
.....
A WOMAN - In a
jar?
HANDSOME (frowning with all his might)-
...Marmite?
A WOMAN -
(sighing)..... Ok. Forget the tahini...
HANDSOME -
teeheehee
A WOMAN -
..stop that & just point me in the
direction of the pot noodles instead?
HANDSOME (looks around in guilty fashion then shouts very loudly) - I'm sorry madam, but
this establishment does not sell dogs of any kind and if you've been told
otherwise...
A WOMAN (crying) - All I wanted to do was get some
tahini then fuck off home & eat some biscuits.
A WOMAN falls to the floor crying & crying & crying & crying.
A giant,
poorly cgi'd ROBOT blinks into existence next to the display of I Can't Believe
You Believe This Has Any Cheese In It Nacho Dip.
ROBOT (roars) - Must stop future Hitler
ROBOT begins
flailing his massive human-pulping fists all about the place & some crisp
packets fall on the floor. The manager
will not be pleased about this. This is not important.
SLOW MOTION
SHOT of crisps being crushed by ROBOT'S human-pulping fist. In his eyes we see
that he knows he is over-qualified for this assignment. When he gets back to
the Future Hitler free future he is hoping to create, he will totally go to the
bank about that small-business loan & open a bait shop.
FADE TO BLACK
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Cut. Print. Millionaires.