Monday, 1 April 2013

Tahini 2: Open Sesame

Julie -  as not even vaguely requested by you, here is another fucking terrible screenplay, this time about that time you tried to buy some tahini in a supermarket even though I wasn't there & you have told me next to nothing about the occasion because why would you & there's some time-travel & shit & maybe a robot. I don't know. I haven't written the thing yet.


A glass fronted cube of despair with one of those ceilings where you can see all like wires & air conditioning vents & all that even though I don't know why they wouldn't just Artex that shit over but what am I a builder?


All the crisps are Doritos. The red ones. This is not important.
The camera follows A WOMAN (that's you Julie, played by Ashley Judd/Wynona Judd/Judd Hirsch or someone else) sashaying -SASHAYING- down the crisp aisle. 

ZOOM IN As A WOMAN approaches HANDSOME a young supermarket employee (played by Ashley Judd/Judd Hirsch/Judge Judy or someone else) who is under 30 & is therefore probably playing music on a mobile phone because apparently they don't make earphones any more.

A WOMAN (brightly, to HANDSOME) - Excuse me?


A WOMAN (a little confused, as though someone has just said something that has confused her.A   little)
                        - Right. Yeah. Um. Could you tell me if you sell Tahini paste?

HANDSOME (Insouciantly. Possibly. Note to script editor. Look up what 'insouciantly' means)
                        - Teeheehee?  Face?

A middle aged woman with a shopping trolley blinks into existence briefly. She is wearing a tunic with a needlessly COMPLICATED NECKLINE (which is, entirely coincidentally, also her name) & silver lipstick so we KNOW she is from the future. Also like, maybe her hat is made from water or something because, like, in the future they will almost definitely be able to make hats out of water.
COMPLICATED NECKLINE is holding onto the handle of a shopping trolley. It is a hover shopping trolley, so we KNOW it is from the future. COMPLICATED NECKLINE who is definitely from the future yells something about preventing Future Hitler from being born.

COMPLICATED NECKLINE (shouting. And maybe, I don't know, she's French. It would amuse me)
                        - I am here to stop Future Hitler from being born.

COMPLICATED NECKLINE runs at A WOMAN with the shopping trolley & but as she bashes into the back of her ankles we PULL BACK to reveal that COMPLICATED NECKLINE  & her HOVER TROLLEY (which is alive. Did I mention that? This is not important) are only 3 inches high. 

COMPLICATED NECKLINE swings the trolley around for another go but as suddenly as she arrived she blinks back out of existence & is replaced for a few seconds by what looks like a Nazi astronaut from the year 2450 as imagined by the 1970s who then also disappears. This is not important.

A WOMAN (with mild annoyance. As though she has just been rammed in the ankles by a tiny trolley. I'm no good at similes) 
                        - Ouch, Don't do that...oh she's gone. Anyway about my tahini.

HANDSOME (smirking like a right dick)
                        - Your Teeheehee?

A WOMAN  - Pardon?

HANDSOME - (sniggering)..... Your. Teeheehee. Sounds a bit like vagi...

A WOMAN (looking around)- Yeah...erm there someone else I can talk to?

HANDSOME - There are potato smiles in the freezer? Is that it?

A WOMAN (becoming a bit testes no not that testy)- No. Tahini. Ta. Hee. Nee. Paste.

HANDSOME (mouth slack, eyes glazed, one of his pupils rolls around inside his iris - .....

A WOMAN - In a jar?

HANDSOME (frowning with all his might)- ...Marmite?

A WOMAN - (sighing)..... Ok. Forget the tahini...

HANDSOME - teeheehee

A WOMAN - ..stop that & just point me in the direction of the pot noodles instead?

HANDSOME (looks around in guilty fashion then shouts very loudly) - I'm sorry madam, but this establishment does not sell dogs of any kind and if you've been told otherwise...

A WOMAN (crying) - All I wanted to do was get some tahini then fuck off home & eat some biscuits.

A WOMAN falls to the floor crying & crying & crying & crying.

A giant, poorly cgi'd ROBOT blinks into existence next to the display of I Can't Believe You Believe This Has Any Cheese In It Nacho Dip.

ROBOT (roars) - Must stop future Hitler

ROBOT begins flailing his massive human-pulping fists all about the place & some crisp packets fall on the floor. The manager  will not be pleased about this. This is not important.

SLOW MOTION SHOT of crisps being crushed by ROBOT'S human-pulping fist. In his eyes we see that he knows he is over-qualified for this assignment. When he gets back to the Future Hitler free future he is hoping to create, he will totally go to the bank about that small-business loan & open a bait shop.



Cut. Print. Millionaires.

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