This year, I ha' been mostly,
One day, however, out of sheer loserly clumsiness, I smacked myself in the face with a Henry Hoover and, as I sat there, cursing and kicking that red bastard in it's eyes, I realised that I Had To Do Something. I was suddenly sick to my very core with my life. Sick of being so pathetic that even electrical appliances felt obliged to give me a good beating. And so a sort of plan began to form. I was going to start putting right the things that once went wrong and hoping each time that the next leap... Nope, that's not it. I've really got to stop watching so much SyFy. The point is, I was left all aflame with purpose and, yes, even a little bit of hope for the future. For all I know that evil vacuuming git has left me with life altering brain damage, but if that's the case, I welcome my new ovanbfdjjjjjgf...
Thing one what I done was I went and got me a swanky haircut that costs a ridiculous amount of time, effort and money to maintain. Next, I lost approximately 75 stone in weight (please note that if anyone does find my lost weight someplace, it's yours to keep. I mean, you could take it down the scuffer shop, fill out the forms and wait two weeks for my weight to become yours legally, but I won't tell anyone if you don't. I would quite like you to waste the peelers time with handing it in though. That would amuse me.)
...Wandered off there...Oh look, a bee....
Right. Thing 3 is the part where I thought, on a whim, that I would apply for a position writing for a videogames website. Ah. I can see you're confused. Ah. I can see now that you're startled that I can see you. Ah. I can see now that you've closed the tab and gone off to the bright, reassuring lights of Boing Boing or Gawker, or some other well-populated area. Good for you.
Yes. The, and I'm being incredibly generous to myself here, 'writer' of this blog thought they had a shot at writing stuff that people might actually see for a website that people actually read.
I'll give you a moment to compose yourself.
Now, obviously, in real life, it takes more than an awesomely trendy haircut and some bingo wing reduction to land you your dream job.
Or does it?
Yes. Yes, it takes loads more than that. It takes stuff like, being bothered to maintain the blog you started, or at the very least being able to recall exactly what you named it without trawling through your unsorted bookmarks looking for something that seems vaguely familiar. It takes even more basic things such as, remembering to cobble together a CV out of the shambles that has been your employment history and sending that along with your cheery email.
And, of course, being real life, I didn't get the gig. The fine folks at Ready Up are obviously in possession of their full faculties and will plump for someone who at the very least knows how to strikethrough words in their blog post without having to google it first.
But you know what? They sent the nicest, most encouraging rejection email I have ever had in my life. And I have had well over 8 rejection emails (mostly, the companies I write to ignore me entirely. Or only contact me via restraining order.) It was so positive, that I organised my bookmarks, wrote down the name of my blog so's I'd remember it, and came back here to write this post.
It was so positive in fact, that I actually feel like making an effort to keep this blog going. Even if no one ever reads a single word of it.
