I am no longer afraid of dying.
And I am afraid of that.
Tuesday, 7 February 2012
Wednesday, 1 February 2012
Apropos Of Nothing
Hundreds of years ago, when the this here internet was all just fields, I used to work in a d.i.y. store. It was...let me see...hmmm...yes....the worst fucking job I ever had. You know, except for aaaaaall the others.
I hadn't been working there very long when one day a man came in & hung about the aisle with all the white spirit in it. He seemed quite sweet, in his clean if shabby tweed jacket and red bow tie. He walked straight up to me and began chatting.
He twinkled away to me about the weather and what promising adventures I might have lined up for the weekend, and as he did so he nonchalantly picked up a 2 large bottles of methylated spirit and put them in his trolley. He smiled and chuckled his way through a little more small talk before wending his merry way off to the checkouts.
And I said to myself, there goes the jolliest old soul I have ever encountered.
And later that afternoon, I passed by that same old man sprawled across a flowerbed near the store, shitfaced, with a half empty meths bottle under his arm.
I mention this for no special reason other than it is a memory that has been keeping me awake a bit lately. And I'm not really sure why.
I hadn't been working there very long when one day a man came in & hung about the aisle with all the white spirit in it. He seemed quite sweet, in his clean if shabby tweed jacket and red bow tie. He walked straight up to me and began chatting.
He twinkled away to me about the weather and what promising adventures I might have lined up for the weekend, and as he did so he nonchalantly picked up a 2 large bottles of methylated spirit and put them in his trolley. He smiled and chuckled his way through a little more small talk before wending his merry way off to the checkouts.
And I said to myself, there goes the jolliest old soul I have ever encountered.
And later that afternoon, I passed by that same old man sprawled across a flowerbed near the store, shitfaced, with a half empty meths bottle under his arm.
I mention this for no special reason other than it is a memory that has been keeping me awake a bit lately. And I'm not really sure why.
Saturday, 28 January 2012
I See What You've Done There
Whenever I hear this
I imagine this
I think we can all agree that my imagination is quite poorly.
I imagine this
I think we can all agree that my imagination is quite poorly.
Saturday, 14 January 2012
Converses With Idiots
A Screenplay. Based on events that happened and which were recounted in a furiously early in the morning phone-call to the writer who wasn't really awake yet.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FADE IN: INT. A SUPERMARKET - DAY
A strip-lit headache in chrome & despair.
People from everywalk of life episode of Jeremy Kyle you've ever seen mill about by the fag counter which also doubles as the customer service desk (probably so you can buy cigarettes with which to hasten your death after being on the receiving end of a customer service).
We PAN ALONG the huddle of people who apparently believe they are forming a queue and ZOOM IN on SOME WOMAN, a customer whose only desire is to return a cd, then fuck off home to eat biscuits.
SOME WOMAN (stepping up to the counter):
Hello there SATURDAY EMPLOYEE! Good to see you.
CLOSE UP of the blank face of SATURDAY EMPLOYEE who remains silent.
CUT TO face of SOME WOMAN who has just finished rolling her eyes.
SOME WOMAN: I would totally like to return this cd of Shrieking Harpy & The Steampunks please. And look, here is my receipt so there should be absolutely no problem here yeah?
CUT TO the blank face of SATURDAY EMPLOYEE
SATURDAY: Can't....Becaaaaaause...errrrrrrmmmm... Copyright law? Yeah. Copyright law.
CUT TO SOME WOMAN. Her face shows that she is trying to decide between laughing and killing herself, right there, by the Kit Kats.
SOME WOMAN: Er....lolwut?
SATURDAY (mercifully off-screen): Copyright law. Can't return CDs.
(turning to address MONDAY TUESDAY THURSDAY SATURDAY & SUNDAY EMPLOYEE who is pretending to count boxes of Silk Cut and studiously ignoring the bellowing mass of increasingly irritated lottery ticket purchasees waiting to throw their pounds into the void)
Because of Somali pirates?
MONDAY TUESDAY THURSDAY SATURDAY & SUNDAY (nodding as though her neck muscles know no fear): The copyright law.
SOME WOMAN: I don't believe you know what you are talking about. Did I mention my receipt?
SATURDAY: Copyright law. Illegal to refund cds because it...funds.....terrorism. You know, cuz of the...the....the pirates.
MONDAY TUESDAY THURSDAY SATURDAY & SUNDAY (still nodding): Pirates.
SOME WOMAN (attempting to use humour to prevent herself from pelting SATURDAY with tic-tacs): Maybe I should've left the parrot at home today then! A Ha hahaha ha...ha ha......cough.
TRACKING SHOT of a tumbleweed rolling along the top of the counter separating SOME WOMAN from SATURDAY & MONDAY TUESDAY THURSDAY SATURDAY & SUNDAY.
SOME WOMAN: So, listen. IANAL but AFAIK...
SATURDAY: You talk like an internet.
SOME WOMAN: Yes. I can sometimes pass as a kidz. Anyway, copyright law has nothing to do with anything. Copyright law is all sorts of crazy about who is able to collect royalties on creative works, where and when stuff can be sold and how much they should get paid and junk. Copyright law has nothing to say on the matter of refunding CDs. It is not relevant. What is relevant though is the Sale of Goods Act which does not in any way exempt retailers from refunding CDs. I do understand that you do not have to offer me a refund or an exchange, even with a receipt, unless the product is faulty which this is not. Except if you count the singing of Shrieking Harpy which most definitely is faulty. It is, however, generally viewed as good practice to offer refunds in other circumstances, especially if the customer is returning a quite clearly unused product in the state in which it was purchased accompanied by a BASTARD BLOODY RECEIPT LIKE THIS ONE!
SOME WOMAN holds receipt up to camera.
SATURDAY: Copyright law.
MONDAY TUESDAY THURSDAY SATURDAY & SUNDAY (now nodding so viciously her head has become little more that a yellow/blue blur of perm & eyeshadow): Pirates. Pirates opened the packaging.
SOME WOMAN: YOU SOLD IT TO ME LIKE THIS!
MONDAY TUESDAY THURSDAY SATURDAY & SUNDAY (her head now moving so fast it's addressing SATURDAY from another dimension): Look! You can see the hook marks on the box!
SOME WOMAN (weeping): All I wanted was to be able to fuck off home and eat biscuits!
SOME WOMAN throws herself across the counter where she lays sobbing loudly.
FADE TO BLACK
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The most important thing to note here is that this screenplay passes the Bechdel Test. I expect the offers to direct to come pouring in any day now. Any day now.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FADE IN: INT. A SUPERMARKET - DAY
A strip-lit headache in chrome & despair.
People from every
We PAN ALONG the huddle of people who apparently believe they are forming a queue and ZOOM IN on SOME WOMAN, a customer whose only desire is to return a cd, then fuck off home to eat biscuits.
SOME WOMAN (stepping up to the counter):
Hello there SATURDAY EMPLOYEE! Good to see you.
CLOSE UP of the blank face of SATURDAY EMPLOYEE who remains silent.
CUT TO face of SOME WOMAN who has just finished rolling her eyes.
SOME WOMAN: I would totally like to return this cd of Shrieking Harpy & The Steampunks please. And look, here is my receipt so there should be absolutely no problem here yeah?
CUT TO the blank face of SATURDAY EMPLOYEE
SATURDAY: Can't....Becaaaaaause...errrrrrrmmmm... Copyright law? Yeah. Copyright law.
CUT TO SOME WOMAN. Her face shows that she is trying to decide between laughing and killing herself, right there, by the Kit Kats.
SOME WOMAN: Er....lolwut?
SATURDAY (mercifully off-screen): Copyright law. Can't return CDs.
(turning to address MONDAY TUESDAY THURSDAY SATURDAY & SUNDAY EMPLOYEE who is pretending to count boxes of Silk Cut and studiously ignoring the bellowing mass of increasingly irritated lottery ticket purchasees waiting to throw their pounds into the void)
Because of Somali pirates?
MONDAY TUESDAY THURSDAY SATURDAY & SUNDAY (nodding as though her neck muscles know no fear): The copyright law.
SOME WOMAN: I don't believe you know what you are talking about. Did I mention my receipt?
SATURDAY: Copyright law. Illegal to refund cds because it...funds.....terrorism. You know, cuz of the...the....the pirates.
MONDAY TUESDAY THURSDAY SATURDAY & SUNDAY (still nodding): Pirates.
SOME WOMAN (attempting to use humour to prevent herself from pelting SATURDAY with tic-tacs): Maybe I should've left the parrot at home today then! A Ha hahaha ha...ha ha......cough.
TRACKING SHOT of a tumbleweed rolling along the top of the counter separating SOME WOMAN from SATURDAY & MONDAY TUESDAY THURSDAY SATURDAY & SUNDAY.
SOME WOMAN: So, listen. IANAL but AFAIK...
SATURDAY: You talk like an internet.
SOME WOMAN: Yes. I can sometimes pass as a kidz. Anyway, copyright law has nothing to do with anything. Copyright law is all sorts of crazy about who is able to collect royalties on creative works, where and when stuff can be sold and how much they should get paid and junk. Copyright law has nothing to say on the matter of refunding CDs. It is not relevant. What is relevant though is the Sale of Goods Act which does not in any way exempt retailers from refunding CDs. I do understand that you do not have to offer me a refund or an exchange, even with a receipt, unless the product is faulty which this is not. Except if you count the singing of Shrieking Harpy which most definitely is faulty. It is, however, generally viewed as good practice to offer refunds in other circumstances, especially if the customer is returning a quite clearly unused product in the state in which it was purchased accompanied by a BASTARD BLOODY RECEIPT LIKE THIS ONE!
SOME WOMAN holds receipt up to camera.
SATURDAY: Copyright law.
MONDAY TUESDAY THURSDAY SATURDAY & SUNDAY (now nodding so viciously her head has become little more that a yellow/blue blur of perm & eyeshadow): Pirates. Pirates opened the packaging.
SOME WOMAN: YOU SOLD IT TO ME LIKE THIS!
MONDAY TUESDAY THURSDAY SATURDAY & SUNDAY (her head now moving so fast it's addressing SATURDAY from another dimension): Look! You can see the hook marks on the box!
SOME WOMAN (weeping): All I wanted was to be able to fuck off home and eat biscuits!
SOME WOMAN throws herself across the counter where she lays sobbing loudly.
FADE TO BLACK
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The most important thing to note here is that this screenplay passes the Bechdel Test. I expect the offers to direct to come pouring in any day now. Any day now.
Wednesday, 4 January 2012
..then I took an arrow to the enjoyment centre of my brain
Here are a thing I enjoyed in 2011
Game of the Year - Pheasant.
A-ha-ha-ha.
But seriously.
Game of the Year - There's this game my 2 year old niece made up where we sit by the back door and scan the skies during daylight hours, looking for the moon. Should we be lucky enough to see it we have to shake our fists at it furiously and yell 'clear off you pesky moon'. We do this until the earth has spent enough hours turning away from said moon (quite possibly in disgust) that it disappears from view OR one of us (me) is asleep. There is also a slightly more complicated version of this game that requires me to purchase and then don various items of invisible space clothing first so I can go up into space to bust the moon right in its chops but the invisible equipment I am required to purchase from my niece is prohibitively expensive.
Anyway, the point is that playing this repetitive and strangely exhausting game with a toddler for hours and hours on end is still a more fun, more satisfying and less disappointing experience than playing any portion of Skyrim for any length of time whatsoever.
So, to reiterate, the 'shouting violent, if impotent, threats at an indifferent celestial body' game that sprang from the still developing brain of a tiny child is my pick for game of the year. And not Skyrim.
Game of the Year - Pheasant.
A-ha-ha-ha.
But seriously.
Game of the Year - There's this game my 2 year old niece made up where we sit by the back door and scan the skies during daylight hours, looking for the moon. Should we be lucky enough to see it we have to shake our fists at it furiously and yell 'clear off you pesky moon'. We do this until the earth has spent enough hours turning away from said moon (quite possibly in disgust) that it disappears from view OR one of us (me) is asleep. There is also a slightly more complicated version of this game that requires me to purchase and then don various items of invisible space clothing first so I can go up into space to bust the moon right in its chops but the invisible equipment I am required to purchase from my niece is prohibitively expensive.
Anyway, the point is that playing this repetitive and strangely exhausting game with a toddler for hours and hours on end is still a more fun, more satisfying and less disappointing experience than playing any portion of Skyrim for any length of time whatsoever.
So, to reiterate, the 'shouting violent, if impotent, threats at an indifferent celestial body' game that sprang from the still developing brain of a tiny child is my pick for game of the year. And not Skyrim.
Tuesday, 13 December 2011
I like lame stuff & I cannot lie
It's that time of year isn't it? You know, when people start telling you all the stuff they liked about the last 12 months?
They make lists of all the awesome music they've listened to, ranked according to how cool it makes them sound. Or they outline all the films they've inexplicably been able to afford to go to the cinema to watch in these new dogfood-for-dinner times (I mean, it's like, what, at least £500 a ticket these days. Some people. Cuh.)
And you read the lists and think about your own year & go, "what in buggery fuck have I been doing with my life"? And then, in your 1st world despair, you drink all the advocaat and eat all the cheese footballs you possess and after the extravagant vomiting has ended you say, "Fuck it. Imma make my own list. With blackjack & hookers". And then you just make some lists because you wouldn't know where to start with the casino/brothel portion of the project.
I like making lists.
Here is a needlessly aggressive list.
TOP TEN SONGS MY IPOD SAYS I HAVE LISTENED TO THE MOST THIS YEAR
According to the playcount in i-tunes these are the songs my ipod claims I have listened to more than any other this year. Pencils ready.
1. Saro - Samamidon (82 plays)
The. Most. Beautiful. Song. Ever. I cried a little when I first heard it because I had no other way of articulating the happysadterror it made me feel for which there is probably a German word. You can stick your Robbie Williams Angels balls up your clearly demented backside.
2. Hold Yuh (Major Lazer Remix) - Gyptian (79 plays)
Yeah, so, I sometimes like to jerk about to terrible dance music when everyone's gone to bed. What of it?
3. Days Of Our Lives - Restless People (72 plays)
See point 2. Shut up.
4. Nellie The Elephant - Mandy Miller (63 plays)
Now. You may be expecting some sort of explanation at this point. But that would only encourage you.
5. Generator 1st Floor - Freelance Whales (62 plays)
It must be obvious to you at this juncture that I get all my music recommendations from Hype Machine.
6. Strictly Game - Harlem Shakes (60 plays)
"This will be a better year" they said. No. No it won't.
7. Big Casino - Jimmy Eat World (60 plays)
I am as baffled as you are.
8. BTSTU - Jai Paul (57 plays)
Just leave it, yeah?
9. Stop The Cavalry - Jona Lewie (54 plays)
And it's not even fucking christmas. Sarah Palin aint got nothing on my maverickicity.
10. Bye Bye Bye - School Of Seven Bells (48 plays)
Listen carefully and you'll notice that there are actually 4 'Byes' used in the song chorus itself. What's that all about?
Now. I'm not saying my i-pod's a lying scumbag or anything like that. Except my i-pod is quite obviously a lying scumbag. Which will bring us to another list anyminute day now. Soon. Possibly. Definitely before 2012 the heat death of the universe. If I have time.
They make lists of all the awesome music they've listened to, ranked according to how cool it makes them sound. Or they outline all the films they've inexplicably been able to afford to go to the cinema to watch in these new dogfood-for-dinner times (I mean, it's like, what, at least £500 a ticket these days. Some people. Cuh.)
And you read the lists and think about your own year & go, "what in buggery fuck have I been doing with my life"? And then, in your 1st world despair, you drink all the advocaat and eat all the cheese footballs you possess and after the extravagant vomiting has ended you say, "Fuck it. Imma make my own list. With blackjack & hookers". And then you just make some lists because you wouldn't know where to start with the casino/brothel portion of the project.
I like making lists.
Here is a needlessly aggressive list.
TOP TEN SONGS MY IPOD SAYS I HAVE LISTENED TO THE MOST THIS YEAR
According to the playcount in i-tunes these are the songs my ipod claims I have listened to more than any other this year. Pencils ready.
1. Saro - Samamidon (82 plays)
The. Most. Beautiful. Song. Ever. I cried a little when I first heard it because I had no other way of articulating the happysadterror it made me feel for which there is probably a German word. You can stick your Robbie Williams Angels balls up your clearly demented backside.
2. Hold Yuh (Major Lazer Remix) - Gyptian (79 plays)
Yeah, so, I sometimes like to jerk about to terrible dance music when everyone's gone to bed. What of it?
3. Days Of Our Lives - Restless People (72 plays)
See point 2. Shut up.
4. Nellie The Elephant - Mandy Miller (63 plays)
Now. You may be expecting some sort of explanation at this point. But that would only encourage you.
5. Generator 1st Floor - Freelance Whales (62 plays)
It must be obvious to you at this juncture that I get all my music recommendations from Hype Machine.
6. Strictly Game - Harlem Shakes (60 plays)
"This will be a better year" they said. No. No it won't.
7. Big Casino - Jimmy Eat World (60 plays)
I am as baffled as you are.
8. BTSTU - Jai Paul (57 plays)
Just leave it, yeah?
9. Stop The Cavalry - Jona Lewie (54 plays)
And it's not even fucking christmas. Sarah Palin aint got nothing on my maverickicity.
10. Bye Bye Bye - School Of Seven Bells (48 plays)
Listen carefully and you'll notice that there are actually 4 'Byes' used in the song chorus itself. What's that all about?
Now. I'm not saying my i-pod's a lying scumbag or anything like that. Except my i-pod is quite obviously a lying scumbag. Which will bring us to another list any
Friday, 2 December 2011
Bitter
Fleeting sun
spurs on winter,
drawing in it's carriage of
silver.
Stinging air whistles
the same repetitive music,
weaving thin strands
of sugar-white through
naked trees.
Songless skies,
no longer drone
with lazy warmth,
and echo emptiness
as the frozen sun
shrinks
with every
shrinking day,
a sponge
drawing the light away.
spurs on winter,
drawing in it's carriage of
silver.
Stinging air whistles
the same repetitive music,
weaving thin strands
of sugar-white through
naked trees.
Songless skies,
no longer drone
with lazy warmth,
and echo emptiness
as the frozen sun
shrinks
with every
shrinking day,
a sponge
drawing the light away.
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